My mind is racing but I’m finding it difficult to put things into words or sort out all these thoughts and emotions.
I feel confused, conflicted, tired (physically and emotionally), ashamed…
I’m not sure as to why all these emotions have sprung up all of a sudden. I keep telling myself that perhaps these feelings and this attraction was always there and that previous attractions distracted me, but now there seems to be a resurfacing. I want to tell you how I feel, I mean I shouldn’t be afraid to because we aren’t especially close and should I tell you about my feelings what’s the worse that could happen?…You leave? It’s only a matter of time anyways It’s becoming clearer that I have a thing for unavailable men who are bound to leave soon. I think the thing I’m conflicted with the most is the idea that yes we may not be particularly close but I do consider us friends and in no way would I want to ruin that.
Being left alone to my thoughts is tiring. I wake up almost everyday around 7:30 and these long days are taking a toll on both my body and mind. All I want to do is sleep, but that only brings me closer to another day in which I’m hoping for something that will never/shouldn’t happen.
I should be content with what it is that I have, and for the most part I am which is why I try my hardest to stop myself from complaining. Things could always be worse. I have great friends, a loving family, school is going well…but I feel like something is missing. I want to feel that romantic connection with somebody…okay not just anybody…more so that somebody who’s been occupying that part of my mind lately. I’m ready to be in a relationship, to be someone’s other half, to be romantically attached, intertwined. I’m ready.
This resurfacing has got me thinking. Especially since it all happened after Valentine’s Day. Maybe it’s not really you I’m obsessing over. Maybe it’s the idea that people don’t see what I see when I look at myself in the mirror. I pride myself in the way I look, act, think, and feel. I love myself. I feel like I just want to know that someone else can appreciate me just as much as I appreciate myself. I know I should depend on the approval/perceptions of others for validation, but I just want to feel like I could be attractive to someone other than myself.
